This is my personal fashion blog for Second Life. Also when the occasion arises I'll share posts about my views, activism and experience with mental health and mental health awareness, equality and human rights. Browse to your hearts content and follow me if you like what you see, I hope you enjoy the time you spend browsing through my Blog.
I'm having a bit too much fun at my first Fantasy Faire, this was a twist on those old rainbow bright dolls and given a pixie/sprite twist; along with a punk vibe with added tattoos and piercings I love. A more casual look to roam the grounds of the Faire but still keeping in the fantasy spirit. The ombred tank and partnered shorts by Cubura were a perfect match to the rainbow wings by Faeline Fairy and paired with the trixie socks by RIOT and studded tip toe shoes by KingbalStores it was a little too good to be true. I am definitely not complaining though. I feel all the happiness and warmth of spring in this outfit even if it is still a little chilly outside. If you still haven't taken the time to go and check out Fantasy Faire what are you waiting for? Go check it out! It's been extended for an extra week so all vendors will be open for business on all sims until the 7th of May. Every sim is a beautiful place to explore and of course Fantasy Faire is a great advocate for Relay for Lifewhich is a cause all of us can get behind. Be sure to follow my Flickr and get a closer look at each of these photos. Also, if you enjoy my Blog work follow me here as well and feel free to send me a friend request on Facebook. Much Love, Aspen.
-Credits-
Ears by Mandala - Pixie Ears Stretched- Mainstore
Wings by Faeline Fairy- Megumi (Rainbow)- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Top by Cubura- Denis TankTop- Mainstore
Shorts by Cubura- Dahvie Shorts- Mainstore
Socks by Riot- Trixie Men's Socks Fatpack- Mainstore
Shoes by - KingbalStores - Stud Tip Toe- Marketplace
Dancing sprite by Cole's Corner - Volcano Sprite- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Poses by- Eternal Dream - Mirage 1 & 2- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Photos taken at Fantasy Faire April 2018
The world of fantasy is one we all love and escape into when life gets to be too much. Whether just your normal second life or deeper into the true realms of fantasy. It's a place where all of your dreams can come to life and you are safe; a true place of happiness. Which is why I have spent a lot of time at the Fantasy Faire enjoying time with fellow fans of all things mystical, mysterious and otherworldly. I couldn't have done all this without the people of Fantasy Faire and as well as the great designers behind all these amazing items. From the chained silks made by DeviousMind, to the wings made by Faeline Fairy, as well as the pixie ears made by ^^Swallow^^ and of course the tentacle flowers made by *Naminoke*. I can honestly say I've never made a look like this before and I am very proud of it and I hope you all enjoy it as well. If you haven't taken the time to go and check out Fantasy Faire I highly suggest you do so before it's gone on the 29th of this month. Not only is it a beautiful place to explore and shop it is a great advocate for Relay for Lifewhich is a cause all of us can get behind. Be sure to follow my Flickr and get a closer look at each of these photos. Also, if you enjoy my Blog work follow me here as well and feel free to send me a friend request on Facebook. Much Love, Aspen.
-Credits-
Ears by ^^Swallow^^ - Pixie Ears HD- Mainstore
Wings by Faeline Fairy- Emi (lily)- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Neck chain & Silks by DeviousMind- Hekate diamond chained silk- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Tentacle flowers by *Naminoke*- Light pack- Fantasy Faire April 2018
Another one of my favorite genre's is post-apocalyptic and while I'd like to say heroic is the way to go, I'd be lying. Nothing is more fun than being a Chaotic Raider, aside from being the head bitch of the all the raiders of course. This is my spin that character; a confident, sexy, bad ass bitch you don't want to mess with. A full arsenal at his disposal and his own little haven to defend. The main components of this outfit are a mix and match from The Forge, Meva, Contraption and A&Y; with poses and props by *!R.O!* and Poseidon. It was a labor of love and when finished each piece brought an amazing, unique and sexy feel to this crazy raider king. Be sure to check out my Flickr for a closer look at each of these photos. If you enjoy my work be sure to follow me here on my Blog as well as my Flickr and feel free to send me a friend request on Facebook. Much Love, Aspen.
So, I decided to go back to my roots for this photo shoot and combine two passions of mine into one, but also add in another with a bit of elegant glamour that I have come to love. I started out in the BDSM community at the age of sixteen and it is still a big part of both my SL and real life. I also have always had a fascination with mythology and creatures like demons. One of my many favorites being the deadly sin of Lust and thus we have my personification of this creature. This look is a fun mix and match of items, rolled into one of my new favorite creations. From the newer things like the pixie ears by Mandala, leather arm covers by Cerberus Crossing [CX] and of course the sock and shoe combination I am obsessed with- Socks by RIOT and shoes by Pixicat. Then moving to the slightly older items that tie the outfit together; body harness by Abrasive, horns by E.A. Studio, long cigarette by Kurst, leather arm straps by NOCHE, tail by Aii and of course cock cage by Ravenoid. Each piece is just as amazing as the last and all coming together to create a truly wicked final look and bringing to life a demon that lives inside us all. For a closer look at this album be sure to check out and follow my Flickr as well as my blog if you enjoy my work and feel free to add me on Facebook. Much love, Aspen.
Hair by Modulus- Mainstore
Horns by E.A. Studios- Mainstore
Eyes by Conviction- Marketplace
Ears by MANDALA- Mainstore
Choker by MOSSU- Mainstore
Harness by Abrasive- Mainstore
Arm straps by NOCHE- Mainstore // Marketplace
Arm guards by CX- Mainstore
Fur stole by The Whore Mansion- Mainstore
Long Cigarette by Kurst- Marketplace
Cock cage by Ravenoid- Marketplace
Tail by Aii the Ugly & Beautiful- Mainstore
Socks by RIOT- Shoetopia April 2018
Shoes by Pixicat- Shoetopia April 2018
Poses by *!R.O!*- Mainstore // Marketplace
Poses by An Lar- Mainstore
Backdrops by Isuka/Backdrop City
So let me just start by once again saying if you haven't checked out Equal 10 yet you should definitely go check it out for yourself. It's something that needs to be experienced and is a cool place to hang out now that traffic has slowed. This amazing tank top and brief set by The Oak is probably one of my favorite things right now. I am obsessed with this look that was inspired by a mixture of old Hollywood glamour- mainly Marilyn Monroe and classic playboy to be specific. I tied up this look with a pink fur stole from The Whore Mansion, my favorite socks from RIOT, shoes by pixicat and of course bunny ears and tail by Aii. Also if you haven't checked out Shoetopia I highly suggest you check it out before it ends very soon, for all you fellow shoe fanatics. This has to be my favorite photo shoot to date and I hope you all enjoy as much as I do. Be sure to check out my Flickr for a closer look at the photos in the album and if you like my work be sure to follow me here at my blog and also my Flickr, also feel free to add me on Facebook. Much Love, Aspen.
The new equal 10 event did not disappoint, the venue was very well put together and all around beautiful to look at. Honestly, if I wasn't trying to be considerate of others trying to get into the sim I would've just lingered there to enjoy the aesthetic scenery. I'll be posting more with other items from the event, this is however the main reason I went to Equal 10. The Cubura Tod Armor, which also comes with matching Tod Hooves which aren't shown here but are equally fantastic. I was going for a more dark Elven warrior look here but I have no doubt there will be many other looks to come from this outfit. I highly recommend checking out equal 10 and of course Cubura whenever you get the chance if you haven't already. Also be sure to follow my Flickr and check out the full album for a closer look at all the photos, also follow me here at my blog if you like my work and feel free to add me on Facebook. Much love, Aspen.
First off let me say it's only the beginning of the month and the designers at these events are already KILLING it. If it keeps going like this I am going to have to start selling organs to keep up. That being said let's go in on the inspirations behind this outfit because can't get enough of it. Mostly because I love the bad boi/rock-a-billy vibe it gives off but also it has a lot to do with my newly acquired tip toe sneakers from Pixicat, they are my favorite thing in the world right now! Of course I wouldn't even be able to wear them without the help of RIOT and their amazing Trixie socks made for men that give us the tip toe feet and open up the world of shoe options. So along with the shoes these socks are EVERYTHING, and I just can't even. Of course I can't forget to mention my love of the top that pulls this bad boi rock-a-billy outfit together, by one of my favorite designers Cubura this belted crop top is another creation that is a must have so what are ya'll wanting for? Go get your gay on! Be sure to check out my Flickr for a closer look at this album and click that follow button on both my Blog and Flickr if you like my work and feel free to add me on Facebook as well. Much love, Aspen.
A photo shoot showcasing one of my favorite genres of artwork. I've been a fan of horror my whole life, ever since I watched my first horror movie when I was three years old. So this is just my spin on it. I hope all you fellow horror fans out there enjoy this as much as I do. Be sure to check out my Flickr for a closer look at the pictures as well as more of my work. As always click that follow button on both my blog and Flickr if you are so inclined to do so. Also feel free to add me on Facebook. Much love, Aspen.
Hello lovelies this is officially my first fashion post on my blog for second life and I am so excited for it. The items featured here are amazing and the Neo Japan event was fantastic and full of awesome and unique clothing, accessories, make up, tattoos and poses it was just wonderful all around. The outfit here was a labor of love multiple trips to Neo Japan were made to get the right balance and do it justice so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Be sure to check out my Flickr for a closer look at the photos in the full album and click that follow button on my blog -as well as my Flickr- if you feel inclined to do so. Much love, Aspen.
Ears & Tails by Aii the Ugly & Beautiful- Nogitsune - Mainstore
Hair by Dura Dura- B&G 81 FatPack 1- Mainstore
Eyes by Suicide Unborn - Moonfrost Eyes Silver - Mainstore
Collar and Leash by MOSSU- Puppy Choker (black)- Mainstore
Nails by ~Gorgeous Dolls~ - LMB Savagery (claws)- Mainstore
Shorts by Cubura at Neo Japan- Brent Shorts- Event Landmark
Sandals by .Shi at Neo Japan- AIRO Geta- Event Landmark
Umbrella by kosmii at Neo Japan- Cyber Wagasa- Event Landmark
Poses by An Lar at Neo Japan- The Suka Series- Event Landmark
It's scary putting your experiences and thoughts down in words; especially when you know these words are going to be read by others and you don't know what the reaction will be. It's why I tend to keep my work to myself, no one can judge me for my thoughts, my ideas, my work if they never see it right? Well, at the same time you can't find others who share the same kind of thoughts, ideas and experiences. So to kick off my first blog I figured why not dive right in? These may not be the easiest subjects to discuss, but as we've seen time and time again those are ones that need to be discussed no matter how uneasy they make us. The more they go unnoticed it seems the more people just pretend they don't exist; therefore neither do the people that experience them. So I can understand if your reaction is to click the little 'x' button at the top of the tab. However if you stick it out I thank you for your time and courage, especially if you can relate to my story even a little.
Even with the help of years of medication since the age of eight years old, it's hard to remember a time where I was truly happy or even just content with my life. Countless therapy sessions, doctors, social workers and many other professionals tied to this one human being that just never seemed to fit the mold. Born the youngest male child in a family of nine other children to god-fearing homophobic baptists in a church run backwater state in the great U S of A in the early 1990's. My father was not a man to be admired, growing up in a time where segregation and discrimination was the only way and taking those "values" with him and trying to pass them down to his children. So when it came to me I was far from his favorite child, to say the least. Whoever heard of a boy who would rather spend time playing with his sisters over his brothers? My fathers cruelty was something that was more expected than anything else.
Acts of kindness like a smile, laugh or gesture were things rarely ever shown to anyone and if they were it was never to me. Though, I always managed to be around to see my siblings get praised, and they were around to see my shame whenever he got in the mood to tell me just what a disappointing mistake and waste of space I was. Usually when my mother wasn't around to hear or shield me from him she was my protector and still continues to be when she can. I suppose it's no secret now which parent I found to be my saving grace, what my father lacked my mother always tried to make up for. Even when she herself was shrouded in darkness it didn't stop her from trying to bring the light to her children, such is the burden of motherhood. It was only when my mother got to the point of nearly being committed due to my fathers actions and the constant isolation from the whole family never leaving their own rooms that a change was finally made.
We left in the night while my father was sleeping packed the essentials and left him to wake up the next morning to the realization he'd lost his family. The adjustment to go from living a life where fear was always present and you just knew you had to live with it. To a life where the fear was gone for the most part, but you were now left alone to deal with the person that the fear, self loathing and pure hatred from the years of abuse had now started to turn you into and you had just barely turned eleven years old. Little did you know the world had just started playing it's games with you at that point and in the span of just over another eleven years around the globe a the next the next trauma in your life would make you want to end it all. However let's not get too far ahead, one trauma at a time, even if they do seem to come at you faster in the real world.
All this time my home life had kind of overpowered anything that had happened at school. Oddly enough when the biggest bully is a parent elementary school kids kind of don't stand a chance. Only now that bully was gone and now I was coming face to face with the world and as I'm sure we all know one way or another, the world isn't a kind place; especially to those who are different. Growing up in a small town where everyone thought they knew everything about you was nothing short of hell. Once the divorce was finalized between my parents - despite my protests - we moved back into that house, in that town and everyone of course knew everything. So, as it is, it became open season on the entire family.
The looks of pity from adults to the children, the ones of judgement to my mother. It was like they had already decided what must've happened on their own with no regards to the real story. You learn at a young age sometimes to see the true faces behind people masks, sometimes it's better that way, other times you wish you'd remained oblivious at least a little longer. Even though the looks bothered me nothing compared to the new shift in school life. Kids are cruel and can be very creative in their cruelty. I was never a popular person to say the least, I was always and still am the quiet and thoughtful loner type.
It wasn't like I didn't enjoy talking with people, ever since I was a kid if you wanted to talk to me and really converse I wouldn't shut up. It was things like starting a conversation and small talk I couldn't and still can't do very well. I had few friends and those I did have were others that didn't fit the mold. If I did manage to make a few "normal" friends they were always girls because you know the little gay boy going through puberty didn't care about them, I was more focused on their brothers. Which of course growing up the gay kid is never easy no matter where you are, but I would've chose anywhere else to realize this about myself had I the choice. That's the thing though isn't it, none of us really have a choice in where our story starts, our choice is later in life on how far we go in life from our starting line.
It had only been a year since my parents split and I'm now in that awkward first year of middle school going through the first of many stages of phases I would in my last years of school. My mother had started another relationship and aside from the occasional trouble from my father and bullying at school life was good. So as life does when things are reasonably good, it had to come to an end. I was lying awake in my bedroom on the night before my 12th birthday party thinking about what the next day would have in-store. I shuffle around in my bed trying to sleep and then hear a sound I'm all too familiar with and that every time sent me running to her, my mother was crying. It was something I'll never forget because it's the type of cry that comes straight up from ones soul and shakes their whole frame.
When I saw her she didn't look like my mother, pure grief had taken her and she didn't know how to come back from it. While my eldest sister simply stood behind her and stared off into nothing with tears streaking her face. I was rushed out of the kitchen where they were by her boyfriend who now lived with us. I fought him demanding to know what was wrong with my mother and why my sister looked like that. This was when he sat me down on my bed and told me that my grandmother had just found my father dead in his apartment. My world kind of imploded from there, the last words I said to him were that I hated him and now not a week later he was gone. I wouldn't be able to take those words back and now I was left with a dead father who will have forever thought of me as a mistake.
Neither of the statements we said to each other will be taken back and it will always remain in my mind making me question everything I do. Even to this day where I have lived over half my life with no father his words still haunt me and make me question myself and my worth every day. A little more clarity on the subject of his death, he was sick, his sickness was diagnosed when I was two years old and finally caught up to him. I found out later in life that he stopped taking his medication after losing his family and selfishly figured it wasn't worth fighting anymore if he couldn't have full control of them in his life. I question why the opinion of a man like him matters to me at all, but even if we don't want to admit it, we all want to be loved by our parents. Even if they were a horrible person, at least I did.
After his death it was once again open season on my family those looks returned from the people around town. Also the kids at school had new ammunition to shoot my way, my dead father now becoming their favorite subject. I think my favorite one that was repeated often was "Your father probably killed himself because he didn't love you enough". Honestly, they probably weren't too far off which is what made it dig that much deeper each time it was thrown my way. So a lot of my school experience just became surviving through each day, going home and becoming someone else. Video games, chat rooms, role-playing in forums, IMVU, SecondLife. To this day these things are still a coping skill when I feel like I can't stand being myself anymore, I can just be someone else; someone better.
Yet, even those places can't change everything they're only a temporary fix, another life to live and hope you don't fuck it up. The years go by and soon I find myself in yet another phase of my life, the awesome emo phase high school kids were so fond of back in the mid 2000's. Which only of course added to "his father never loved him" thing but at this point I've become numb to anything anyone can do to me. At least that's what I thought or hoped anyway, I wasn't a real troubled kid aside from the bullying kept to myself just like before. A few suspensions from losing my temper on the bullies while they got off with a warning because that's how the school system works in a small town. It really wasn't until my last year of high school which was my sophomore year that the bullying got to a breaking point and I realized no one was going to help me.
I was walking home one day since taking the bus had become too much of a hassle, kids definitely want to make you feel like shit as long as they possibly can. I was in my own world not really paying attention to anything but the music blaring in my ears. Which was most likely Evanescence -yeah I was THAT kid, no shame. I lose myself in music still to this day, but it's not the best idea when you're a social pariah in high school with a target on your back. I walked with my head down most of the time, even though I was a tall broad shouldered kid, I might as well have been two-feet tall in that moment. The group of guys that liked to make my life hell had been waiting for me, knowing my way home since they saw me walk it everyday.
Oddly enough I used to be best friends with one of them back in elementary school, isn't that usually the case though? Well they weren't trying to have a friendly chat with me, if that was obvious enough. I tried to walk around them only to have my headphones ripped out of my ears and pushed back by three out of the six of them. They were like something out of a bad teenage movie asking me where I was going in such a hurry and of course me being the sarcastic person I am even in those times replied with something like 'Oh I don't know Neverland, where does it look like?' I honestly believe my last words will be something sarcastic. For whatever reason they didn't approve of my response and proceeded with the harassment, poking and prodding at me, nothing I wasn't used to.
I don't know what it was about that day but I had had enough and pushed back at one of them, knocked him on his ass and was pretty impressed with myself. Though looking back on it it's really not too impressive to use all your strength to push someone onto their ass who isn't suspecting you to do it. Of course that only pissed him off and I had to push the guy that was nearly as tall and broad as I was. He proceeded to get up in my face with his group narrowing in with him as he pushed me again and simply said "Faggot", so original right? Well like I said I was in no mood that day and I pushed him again this time out of my way and said "You don't even know what the definition of a faggot is you neanderthal. Don't use words you don't understand."
With that I walked away, I expected them to come after me but all I heard was more calls of the same name from behind me. It was quiet for awhile after that, nothing to out of the ordinary went on and I was grateful for it. I found a new route to take home, a little longer but it was quiet and I avoided people so perfect for my emo loner self. It was the end of the year only a few days left of school and I decided I didn't want to take the long way home, enough time had passed I could use my old route again. Well, it was a bad idea you'd think I would've known that, but teenagers are stupid I was no different. I once again I found myself stopped by the same group only missing one member -or so I thought. Again, I'm yanked from my music world and put back into one I don't want to be in. Only I smell something burning and there's heat at my lower back, I crane my head back to see and find that my over the shoulder bag had been lit on fire while still on my back.
The missing member of the group of course being the one I fought back against the last time behind me holding a lighter. I throw my backpack off and try desperately to stomp it out all the while they're laughing like a pack of hyena's. Over their laughter I hear "So I learned the definition and you're right, I should look up more stuff. Taking faggot literally is way better than just saying it. So burn you faggot." With that they all walked away leaving me to put out the fire they started on my back. I'd never been so afraid, I didn't stop shaking for hours and later I looked up the definition of faggot for myself. Faggot: A bundle of sticks meant for burning, another life lesson learned and a word I will never use again, or have respect for anyone who uses it. After that incident I returned to school once to try and report the incident bringing my backpack for evidence. I was met with this response from the vice principle, "well you shouldn't have provoked him in the first place, boys will be boys."
After that I didn't return to school, striking a deal with my mom that I would start the G.E.D program at a local college the following month so long as I never had to go back to that school. She agreed but didn't find out the real reason why until years later, she wasn't too happy about it and that I kept it from her but what mother would be? It took my six months to get my high school equivalency diploma, I graduated near the top of my program and a full year ahead of my previous class. It was an achievement only two of my siblings accomplished apart from me and it was something I could be proud of. The years following were community college and then cosmetology school. Two places I learned just who I could be and that I didn't have to let my past define me.
However the real world outside of college is a little different, once in the business world it's make or break and they'll do everything they can to break you. Once fresh out of beauty school I got my license and started up at a chain salon known as Fantastic Sams. It lasted for about six months the only reason for the short run was because the owner of the salons in the district only hired straight males to work in his salons. Every gay man ever hired to his salon would be fired for small reasons and replaced with a woman or a straight man. He'd lost a lawsuit previously for discrimination of males in his workplace but since it was legal at the time to fire employees based on sexual orientation in my state and he covered his ass by hiring straight males I had to grin and bare it.
It only took a few more times to experience the same kind of discrimination at other salons either working at them or just trying to get hired at them before I simply gave up. Instead becoming my own boss and working from home, taking retails jobs on the side for extra support. I'd finally found a steady balance in all aspects of my life. I was the healthiest I'd ever been mentally and physically, recently losing 85 pounds and getting off prescription medication I'd been using to keep sane since I was eight years old. I found myself able to keep myself balanced all on my own, it was the one time in my life I can truly say I felt happy or at the very least content. I had plans for where I was headed and those doubtful voices from my father that plagued me since childhood had finally been silenced.
I bet you all know what's coming though, that new trauma, the big one. That one life throws at you when you've finally crawled all the way out of the pit just to slam you back down to rock bottom. Well that's what's next, just a fair warning it's not for the faint of heart so no one would blame you for turning away now. Granted you've made it this far so, here it goes. I've never written this down somewhere with the intent of someone to see. If I ever did put words to this it was for myself and it kind of still is, for myself but this time it's more than that because I don't want it to keep holding me back. Up until this point it's felt like I've been keeping this dirty secret, something I can't talk about ever, but times up and it's coming out no more shame.
On May 18, 2016 I got into a mans truck, I'd been talking to him over a popular dating/friend finding app for a little over two weeks. I had recently been broken up with the month before with my first serious boyfriend and was just looking for a friend to fill the void. Play video games and bullshit like I had done with my boyfriend before, I wasn't ready for anything more and I'd been told that was okay by this man. According to his profile he said he was close to my age, a few years older, my height and weight and we had similar interests so I figured it would be a good match for friendship. Well, people don't always tend to be who they say they are when behind a screen, a lesson I should've learned by now.
When he arrived to pick me up he was at least five years older than his profile stated, a half a foot taller and maybe about 50 pounds heavier. However, being the person I was I knew what it was like to be judged on first appearances and I wasn't interested in sexual things so I didn't really care. I was going to give him a chance, because I needed a friend. I know now when I got in the truck and my gut feeling was to get back out that it's what I should've done, but we can't change the past. From the second I got in and he drove off the pressure for more than just a friendly day of hanging out, gaming and bullshitting was present. His hand clasped onto my left thigh in the truck as he drove, like he already owned me. Even as my hand tried to pry it off more than once; I should've tried harder.
His house is only a mile away from mine and still is to this day, on days that I can leave my house I pass by it sometimes, tempted to rip his life apart. When we got there after the long uncomfortable ride I was doing my best to shake off the feelings and just brush off the awkward ride. I was ready to just dive into gaming as we went inside. To my dismay the uncomfortable feelings followed as his advances continued as we set up the game. Getting ready to play I tried to take the chair next to the love seat only to have him pull me forcefully onto it with him. It was quickly becoming more obvious that this was not going as planned in my mind and I was losing control of the situation. The only thoughts running through my head though is 'it couldn't happen to me', and I force myself to believe that and ignore the signs; I should've ran.
I tried to focus on the game, but I was making it painfully obvious I couldn't just as he was making it painfully obvious the only game he wanted to play was with me. His body continued to push mine into the corner of the love seat, the more I moved away from him the more he moved in. Wrapping his left arm around me and using his right to grab my thigh again. I was wearing a white tank top with little black diamonds as designs on it and a pair of long cut off shorts made from an old pair of black skinny jeans that stopped at the top of my shin. His hands finding skin at any point they could and his touch made my skin crawl and I felt sick to my stomach. This couldn't be happening to me, I'm a man, why is this happening to me? Dear God haven't I been through enough up until now? Why? I Just don't understand, I was finally happy in life; I guess I should've worn a different outfit.
I couldn't focus on anything, my mind wouldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen next. Do I fight him? He's like 6-foot-6 over 350 pounds, I don't even know how to throw a punch. What's going to happen to my family if I don't come home? How will my mom survive if they find me in a ditch somewhere? I won't be able to see my oldest or youngest sisters get married or my niece grow up. They will be so disappointed in me for not being able to defend myself. I really will become the mistake my father said I was, I'll ruin their lives. All these things and more were going through my head and all the while he is trying to justify this by reading on the apps profile that I included I was 'A bottom when it comes down to things'. Obviously that means I wanted sex; I should've never put that on my profile.
By this point in time I am at a loss, I think about going for the door but he is in between me and the exit and nothing would stop him from using his advantages over me and forcing me to get what he wanted. Maybe I was a coward in the end when he said "I think it's time we head up to my room". I just went along with him, I didn't fight him, I didn't run, I just went because that was it he'd won without even really having to fight. The following minutes were the longest of my life and ones that I will never forget. He got me up to his room, it was what I can only describe as a trophy hunters wet dream. Animal heads on the walls, log cabin like decor and bed frame along with both men and women's clothes flung along the wooden floor; why me?
Next I was forced to my knees and his well below average member was shoved into my mouth and my head pressed against his bed frame by his thighs. It didn't take him long to get bored of that before he forced me to the bed slipped my cut offs and underwear from me. He of course ignored my pleas to both stop and if he wasn't going to stop to at least put on a condom. Shame on me to think that a rapist would at least be a little considerate. While he was pounding away I felt all the progress I had made the years prior slipping away with each thrust. All I could do was stare at that ceiling focusing on anything but what was happening to me and just how far I was falling back down into that dark place I had crawled out of; I wish he would kill me, I don't want to be back down here.
I could still hear him in that dark place, in between his disgusting grunts. Calling me a worthless faggot, whore, telling me I wanted this. As he finished he held me there "gonna let it sit" he says and looks me up and down as if he's disgusted and as he pulls out of me his final insult is, "nice stretchmarks faggot." All the weight I'd lost prior now seems to mean nothing because if a monster like him was going to notice a flaw like that on me, what were others going to see? I was disgusting, I was worthless, I was a mistake, why should I even bother anymore? All these thoughts continued to run through my head and I found myself right back in that pit and I only continued to sink lower; My father was right.
He took me home and the whole way nothing was said, as he dropped me off he smiled looking pleased with himself and said. "Message me next time you want to game." He left after that and I proceeded to take the first of many showers that night, never feeling clean and still having that issue to this day. My rapist has a face and I see it in my nightmares. My rapist has a name and I want to scream it out to everyone who would listen. My rapist has a family and I want to tell them all what he's done. My rapist lives a mile from me and it keeps me from ever being able to leave my house alone. My rapist is a monster, who I wish wasn't real. My rapist broke my soul. Yet, I blame myself and instead of making him pay the only person who paid any kind of price was me. That price I paid was two years of my life and almost ending it all.
After getting myself tested and cleared, I moved on with my life or tried to at least. I pushed what happened to me back in my mind so far it took six more months to surface. The trigger behind that was when my rapist entered my safe space, this time with his wife. I had found that my new safe space was with my little sister and my niece so I spent a lot of time with them to feel like my old self. One day while out shopping with them he passed by us in the store and made eye contact with me holding my niece and smiled at me like a predator would his prey while wrapping his arm around the woman next to him. This sent me spiraling out of control, so much so I nearly lost my job, my friends, everything that was holding me together.
Finally I decided I couldn't push it down anymore and opened up about it, the hardest part is admitting you need help along with telling your full story. The people you have managed to tell -like your closest friend, your mother and sister- you held back on the details to spare them but now you can't anymore and watching the looks of horror and sadness wash over their faces is too much to take. My mother, oldest and youngest sister were the hardest to tell. I felt like I'd disappointed them somehow, I was suppose to be the man and protect them but I couldn't even protect myself. I kept sinking deeper into the pit and pushing people away because it's what I do best, especially when my trust in people has been shattered. Once that happens it's just back to relying on yourself because at least you know you're not going to betray you right?
I began to get a bit better half-way through 2017 while working for a promotion I'd been promised for a year at a former job. I'd been doing the role of the job anyway just without the pay and had been told once it is available for grabs it was mine. Though, when the time came I was pulled into the office and told that due to my situation and my PTSD he wasn't comfortable putting me in a supervisor position. Once again the downward spiral hit and I lost that job and survived off working from home occasionally and my mother. Though the spiral didn't stop there, I continued to fall further into the pit. Only the further down into the pit I went the more isolated I continued to make myself.
November and December of 2017 was the lowest point I had ever been in my entire life and when I decided I wanted to end it all. I had gotten a few jobs after losing the one I'd had for years but I'd found it extremely difficult to leave the house. Even more difficult to deal and talk with people which is kind of a requirement in retail (sadly). So those jobs didn't last long either, what little social interaction I once got from a workplace was now gone and I was solely relying on the SL gay community in Boystown; lord help me. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I couldn't connect with anything anymore. The things I once enjoyed held no joy anymore in fact there was no joy in my life at all. I was empty a husk of the person I used to be and I felt nothing.
A lot of people say they would prefer it if they felt nothing at all to what they feel. I sit back and I think about asking them if they have ever truly felt what feeling nothing really is like. Humans are meant to be emotional creatures, we aren't meant to be hollow. From someone who has felt what nothing feels like believe me you want to feel everything compared to feeling nothing, because feeling nothing is death while you're still alive. I thought I was losing my mind and I was but not on my own. I'd been taken to a different doctor than the one I'd been seeing for over ten years and this doctor put me on a medication known as a dopamine blocker. Which to those that don't know what dopamine is it's what allows you to feel joy and accomplishment in your life.
So I was put on a medication that took what little joy and accomplishment I could find in life and zapped it out of my brain, leaving me to feel nothing at all for anything or anyone. It was on November 8th of 2017 that I decided I wanted to die, that I had nothing else to give, that life just wasn't worth it anymore. I made my my plan, I knew where all the medication was kept in my house and that when I got home that night I would spend time with my family give them one last good night with me to remember wait until everyone was asleep send out my note to my family through messenger and swallow a whole bottle of my anxiety pills one by one and fade away until I was nothing. It was also on that day that I decided I needed to live and I asked for help. I had never gotten to the point that I had a plan before and knew how I would execute it.
I couldn't let my father win, I couldn't let my rapist win, I couldn't let sorrow win. I knew there was more to life than that, because I'd felt it before and I was determined to feel it again. I knew I couldn't do that if I gave in. It took time and a lot of effort on my part to push myself up from how far I'd sunk into rock bottom but by the beginning of 2018 I could see a bit of light again. With the help of my family, friends and of course it also helped that I was off the dopamine blockers and back on the right medication, so there's that also. What I got out of that experience is even when you are at your lowest point if you realize you need to get help, there is hope and the people who love you will do anything to keep that hope alive. There is always another way, chose life over the dark.
For those wondering and even those who don't care, my official diagnoses is Borderline Personality Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Major Depression. A lot of labels for one person to deal with which is why I am an activist for Mental Health Awareness. None of these this define who I am, they are just pieces of me like being gay or the fact I really don't like bacon. These things don't change the fact that I love animals, having long conversations about life, am a hopeless romantic and prefer being the little spoon when coddling despite being 6-foot-2. It doesn't change the fact I love with all my heart either, it just takes me more time to trust people and on my down days I need reassurance I'm good enough for you to want to stay with me.
We all have baggage, some of it is heavy and hard to carry and a lot to deal with. However, everyone no matter what issues or quirks they have deserve what all of us crave and that's love and human connection. Never judge someone for where they've been, where we've been is what helps shape us to become who we are. Some things should never happen to anyone and I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone. However, it took me to many new points in my life and I've grown as a person and realized my life is worth living and I am so much stronger than I ever realized. I am not a mistake. I am worth so much more than I ever believed I was. I won't lie if I could go back I would tell myself to never get in that truck, but I can't. So I will live with what happened and I will continue to grow and love. I won't let the darkness defeat me, that's really all any of us can do, fight to keep seeing the light no matter how far down in that pit you are. You are loved.
We are survivors, not victims and we are stronger than you can ever know, we are fighters.